Tim Tebow has beat the crap out of so many teams, medical journals now classify Tebow as a laxative.
When Tim Tebow wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.
Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."
Annoyed by the naiveté of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."
The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song started playing.
Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that. I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song."
What do you call an FSU Grad wearing a suit and tie?
The DefendantThe FSU football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands.
"The appeal!" they shouted with CrimiNOLE pride.
What do FSU Football players usually get on their SAT's?
DroolDo you know why Doak Campbell switched to Artificial Turf in 2000?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at halftimeWhat's the difference betwen a 300 pound heifer and a FSU cheerleader?
About 30 pounds, but if you grain feed the heifer, she'll catch up.How many Alabama fans does it take to change a light bulb?
About 75,000. One to change the bulb, and 74,999 to stand around and talk about how great the old one used to be.
How do you keep a Nole out of your front yard?
Put up GoalpostsThere's a car with a Nole linebacker, a Nole Receiver, and a Nole DB. Who's driving?
The copWhat's the difference between the Seminoles a.k.a. the
Semenholes and a bucket of shit?
The bucket
What's the best thing to come out of Tallahassee?
I-10Why is FSU changing their mascot to the possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.What should you do if you find three Noles buried up to their necks in cement?
Get more cement!
A FSU grad, a Miami grad, and a Florida grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The UF grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the Florida grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Miami grad is next, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Flood!" The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Miami grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The FSU grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers that the UF and Miami grads had done, so he yells,
"Fire!" 
What do a Florida student and an FSU student have in common?
They both got accepted to FSUA guy walks in to a store and goes to the clerk and says, "I want a garnet shirt, gold pants, and white shoes." The clerk says "you must be an FSU fan." The guy says "yeah, how did you know? was it the color combination?" The clerk replies,
"No, this is a hardware store"There was a couple who were getting divorced, so the judge said to the child, "Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?" "No," said the child, "he beats me." "Do you want to live with your Mom?" "No, she beats me too." "Well who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with a Semenholes Fan." Confused, the judge asked, "Why?" The child replied,
"Because they never beat anybody that's good!" Why couldn't FSU have a nativity scene this past Christmas?
They couldn't find three wise men.Top 10 Classes taken by FSU football players:
1) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?
2) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
3) Sandwich Making: A Project Course
4) Hand-Shadow Workshop
5) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
6) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
7) Hooked on Phonics
8) The College Classroom: A Simulation
9) ABC's: An Extended Version
10) Literature: Coloring inside the lines
What are the toughest 6 years in a Nole's life?
3rd grade. How many FSU freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, it is a sophomore course. Why don't Noles use 911 in an emergency?
They can't find 11 on the dial. Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Florida school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as towhich one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Miami grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Miami! Go Canes!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be outdone, the USF grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for South Florida! Let's Go Bulls!" Seeing this, the Florida grad walked over and shouted,
"This is for everyone!" and pushed the Nole off the side of the mountain.Why do FSU grads hang their diplomas in the rear windows of their cars?
So they can park in handicapped spaces. What's the difference between a Nole and a dollar bill?
You only get three quarters out of a Nole. 
After Bobby Bowden dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour.
He shows Bobby a little two-bedroom house with a faded FSU banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Bobby looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill.
It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Gator flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Gator banner hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Urban Meyer gets a mansion with new Gator banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment.
"That's not Urban's house," God says. "That's mine."What do you call a drug ring in Tallahassee?
the huddleWhat do FSU Grads call UF Grads?
BOSSHow do you get to Tallahassee from Ft. Myers?
Go north 'til you smell it, west 'til you step in it
"Some guys play for the BCS Championship, some guys play in the Emerald Bowl".
-- Urban Meyer
A Nole and a Volunteer walk into a bar, the Volunteer asks the Nole, "What does FSU mean?", he says, "
Florida Stomped Us". The Nole asked the Vol what UT means and he said, "Us Too."
This Recruit is visiting 3 coaches, Bobby Bowden, Randy Shannon, and Urban Meyer. He goes to Miami to Visit with Randy Shannon first, about halfway through the interview he notices this golden telephone on the counter, and says, "What is that telephone for?" Coach Shannon says, "It's a direct link to heaven, you want to make a call?" the recruit says "Sure, does it cost anything?" Randy says "$50 it's a steal, whatta ya say?" Recruit says, "nah, I'll wait". He moves on to Tallahassee next to talk with Bobby, and he notices that same telephone, and says, "Is that a direct link to heaven?" Bobby says, "Why yes, you want to make a call? only 35 bucks." Recruit says, "nah, I'll wait". Finally, he makes it to Gainesville to speak with Urban, and he notices that SAME telephone, and asks "Is that a direct link to heaven?" Urban says,"= "Yeah, you want to make a call, its free" Recruit says, "Free? I don't get it, I visited Randy, and he said it was $50, and Bobby said it was $35, why is it free here?" ,Urban answers smuggly,
"Because here in Gainesville, It's a local call my boy".What do you have with 32 FSU cheerleaders in a room?
A full set of teethWhy can't the Seminole player get into a huddle on the field anymore? It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
What is the one thing Bobby Bowden ALWAYS brings to Gainesville?
But I'll give the Noles one thing. Jenn the Cowgirl.
on 2nd thought. We got Erin Andrews. And hers are real.
#1 LSU's got this thing about them. They don't have to outgain you. They don't have to play exceptionally well. They don't have to look like the #1 team in the country. They just have to win, and win they do. The took their show on the road to Ole Miss this week against the one time Tennessee Volunteer QB Brent Shaeffer. The star of the game was the little guy. Trindon Holliday ran a kickoff 98 yards to the house, making a couple moves, in just over 13 seconds. The Tigers won 24-41 despite being outgained 466-396. A bigger story might be that the Bayou Bengals gave up 466 yards to the Rebels.
#2 Oregon felt that number 2 doo doo voodoo on Thursday night. They started out looking like they were going to trounce Arizona. This was the game Dennis Dixon proved why he was the Heisman frontrunner. All the talks of Dennis Dixon's knee being bad were put to rest when he scampered 39 yards on 4th down for the first score of the game. The next Ducks drive, Oregon was down deep in the red zone and Dizon hit a reciever in the chest, and it popped up in the air, and was intercepted. The drive after that, Dixon was scrambling out to his left, went to cut up field, and fell to the ground. Uh oh. He tore his ACL and is out for the season. It wasn't until they said the name of Oregon's back up QB that I knew they had no chance. It was Brady Leaf. As in Ryan Leaf's brother. As in "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, ALRIGHT?" RYAN LEAF! Oh, and Ryan Leaf was there on the sidelines to cheer little brother on. At one point, they interviewed him and asked something like "don't you wish you could just get in there and help him out?" To which I thought, "Yeah right. Nobody in their right mind wants Ryan Leaf anywhere near their football team." What a stupid question." Anyways, Arizona won 34-24 and ruined Oregon's national title hopes.
The "biggest rivalry" in college football had one of it's ugliest games on Saturday. #7 Ohio State went to the Big House to take on #21 Michigan for the Big 10 title. I called weeks ago that Michigan would win this game because it would ruin Ohio State's chances of a national title. Well, we all know Illinois ruined that one last week, so my prediction was ruled null and void. Michigan combined for less than 100 yards of total offense. Michigan QB Chad Henne led the game in passing yards with 63. It was nasty. The game was won single handedly by Beanie Wells. He rushed for 222 yards and 2 TDs in the Buckeye's 14-3 win. They now have their tickets to the Rose Bowl punched. That is, unless things fall their way, and unfortunately they could, and they get a call from the BCS championship bowl where they will be destroyed.
#12 Florida looked a little shakey early against Florida Atlantic. With a little over a minute left in the first half the score was 28-20 Gators. Then Tim Tebow hit Cornelius Ingram on a 26 yard pass with 9 seconds left to bring the score 35-20. The Gators would not allow a point in the second half, and went on to win 59-20. The Big news out of this game came from, who else, but Tim Tebow. He became the first person on the planet in D1 history to throw for 20 or more TDs and run for 20 or more TDs. As long as Darren McFadden doesn't run for 1,000 yards and 5 scores against LSU, I would say Mr. Tebow's got that Heisman on lock.
#19 Illinois needs to make t-shirts that read 'The Juice is loose!' Illini QB Juice Williams had another outstanding day against Northwestern. He went 15/23 for 220 yards with 1 TD/1 INT. He rushed for 136 yards and 2 TDs. The Fighting Zook's routed NW'ern 41-22.
